September: The Month Where I Forgot

September gave me this.

Night after glorious night. 

And how did September go for me?

I forget.

September kicked me hard. All of the ideas and goals I had back in January to remember and change and stuff?

I forgot about almost all of them.

Now it's October and time to reflect on . . . not much. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. It is the first full month I've worked, and I haven't misplaced any of my students yet or gotten written up, so I guess there's that. But I've stopped journaling like I did earlier in the year, and my exercising and scripture study have been little better than never.

I tried other sources to get the peace I've missed. I actually got a massage for the first time in years, thinking that I must have changed from the first 3-4 times I got one. I need to relax. Brad swears by massages. I need to de-stress. People love them. I will like it this time.

Nope.

Massages stress me out. I must be the only person alive that gets more tense after a massage than before. The 60 minutes I'm supposed to be relaxing are honestly quite stressful for me. I feel my jaw clenching and my shoulders shrink closer to my ears. The masseuse actually recommended that I add aromatherapy next time I come so "you can relax a little bit." Do masseuses really say that to most people--your massage made you more tense? I walked out of there much sorer than I was walking in, and most surprising, I was angry. It was as if the massage had brought all of the toxins out of my skin and all of the repressed fury out of my soul. It took me a good 20 minutes to pinpoint what was happening and why. Good thing most of my family was gone when I got home, or it would have been nasty. I won't be going back for a relaxing rubdown any time soon. The world can't handle that much irritability all at once--it's a much better place to live when I push all the anger down inside. I know--unhealthy.

The thing is this: I know what destresses me. It's meditation. It's prayer and scripture study. It's yoga. It's regular exercise. It's consuming less than my body weight a week in Soda Shop oatmeal cookies and Diet Pepsi. That's what truly makes me happy and not stressed.

I've got to get back to the basics and find time for me, along with my family and school. I keep telling myself that things will settle down after the midterm exam this week, and I hope that's true. I think that's true.

It better be true.

Guess who's job it is to make it true?

Mine.

And I'm not too lost--I still remember my way down the path.

Reboot. Restart.

Three more months of 2016. There's still time.