6 am to 9 pm seven days a week for over two decades. Some days it's much earlier and most days it's much later.
Three meals a day--plus shopping for those meals, prepping those meals, and cleaning up from those meals.
Hairdos, baths, teeth, laundry, ironing, mending, fixing, folding, cleaning. Tying shoes. Zipping backpacks. Signing slips and sending money.
I've been trying to put my finger on what is up with me lately. Why I feel lost and discomfited and out of place.
Last school year, when my house was empty for the first time during school hours, I had my master's degree to keep me occupied. This year I'm finally feeling it.
This may sound strange. I've tried to explain how I'm feeling to Brad, but I could never find the words until two nights ago.
I am slowly but surely working myself out of my favorite job in the world.
They read for themselves. They brush their own teeth. They make their own beds. Most of them do their own laundry.
I've gone from mothering 15+ hours a day to 7.5-11 hours a day, depending on the day. I've had my mothering hours cut in half. Have you ever been cut from full-time to part-time shifts? It's jolting, that simultaneous loss of responsibility and gain of free time.
When I was a young mother, all I wanted was a day to myself. I remember asking Brad for these free days as birthday gifts, and I would treasure the moments and the minutes. While I still love my alone time, I don't quite know how to fill it. Admittedly, I haven't been the most productive or comfortable with this newfound freedom. The house stays clean from 7:30 until 2:30. Don't need to do that. There's only so much shopping and Facebook and internet surfing and TV and organizing and yoga that can be done. . . .
I find myself a little lost most days, not knowing what to do with myself. Myself--most of my years being myself have been busy being "the Mom." The Chauffeur. The Shopper. The Cleaning Lady. The Laundress. The Negotiator. The Teacher. The Comforter. The Cook.
When they hand you that sweet-smelling, squalling, soft bundle of blankets in the hospital, no one tells you (with a touch of melancholy and a sad smile) that one day they won't need you to hold their hand on the way to school or to cut their spaghetti into small bites. Rude, isn't it--suckering you into loving and caring and giving up every drop of yourself to being the mom, only to have those precious babies grow up to be independent. Then they grow up and leave the house and stuff. . . .
So.
What am I going to do with myself all day today? Let me see.
I am slowly but surely working myself out of my favorite job in the world.
They read for themselves. They brush their own teeth. They make their own beds. Most of them do their own laundry.
I've gone from mothering 15+ hours a day to 7.5-11 hours a day, depending on the day. I've had my mothering hours cut in half. Have you ever been cut from full-time to part-time shifts? It's jolting, that simultaneous loss of responsibility and gain of free time.
When I was a young mother, all I wanted was a day to myself. I remember asking Brad for these free days as birthday gifts, and I would treasure the moments and the minutes. While I still love my alone time, I don't quite know how to fill it. Admittedly, I haven't been the most productive or comfortable with this newfound freedom. The house stays clean from 7:30 until 2:30. Don't need to do that. There's only so much shopping and Facebook and internet surfing and TV and organizing and yoga that can be done. . . .
I find myself a little lost most days, not knowing what to do with myself. Myself--most of my years being myself have been busy being "the Mom." The Chauffeur. The Shopper. The Cleaning Lady. The Laundress. The Negotiator. The Teacher. The Comforter. The Cook.
When they hand you that sweet-smelling, squalling, soft bundle of blankets in the hospital, no one tells you (with a touch of melancholy and a sad smile) that one day they won't need you to hold their hand on the way to school or to cut their spaghetti into small bites. Rude, isn't it--suckering you into loving and caring and giving up every drop of yourself to being the mom, only to have those precious babies grow up to be independent. Then they grow up and leave the house and stuff. . . .
So.
What am I going to do with myself all day today? Let me see.
LoL...after years of working on my degree and finally finishing...I felt the same way. Now what do I do? I had a plan to "nurture the world". I believe so much that is wrong with this world is from a lack of nurturing. When everyone is busy providing, who does the nurturing? Now that my children need LESS nurturing, I want to find a way to make a difference by nurturing others. I think perhaps your degree will help you find ways to make the world a better place. Good luck finding your niche.
ReplyDeleteI'm relating to this so much right now!! Thanks for verbalizing what I've been trying to figure out the last 3 weeks. You could become a consultant for people like me who have no clue how to decorate their homes lol!!!
ReplyDeleteWell, hopefully next year, some of that time can be filled with being a Gran to your local grandchild. :)
ReplyDeletePromise?
DeleteWish you were here to temporarily fill your time with helping me can tomatoes and peaches!
ReplyDeleteI'd do it, too!
DeleteHaving two grandchildren living nearby has finally solved this problem for me. I am actually back to craving some alone time. It's great. Best of both worlds!
ReplyDeleteI know what you could do. Call your mom and tell her thanks for going through everything you're going through now!
ReplyDeleteI needed to know that it's not just me. My youngest started first grade this year and after almost 22 years into my mothering career I have a few hours to myself each day. It's wonderful, and I love it. But I have that empty, lost feeling you described. Not that there is nothing to do. There is plenty. I have looked forward to this time of my life as a season to complete projects, more thoroughly clean and organize, etc., but I am discovering that those things do not bring me the same sense of joy and fulfillment as mothering little dependent people did. Some days I find myself wandering the house, wondering about the best way to spend my time. And then other days I am gone from home all day, volunteering at the school and running errands and going to the temple, and I come home the same time as the school kids, worn out and feeling behind at home. Too busy isn't good either, and I am trying to find a balance as I adjust to this bittersweet time of life. (also have a son on a mission and a daughter getting ready to submit her papers. Bittersweet, I say.)
ReplyDeleteI needed to know that it's not just me. My youngest started first grade this year and after almost 22 years into my mothering career I have a few hours to myself each day. It's wonderful, and I love it. But I have that empty, lost feeling you described. Not that there is nothing to do. There is plenty. I have looked forward to this time of my life as a season to complete projects, more thoroughly clean and organize, etc., but I am discovering that those things do not bring me the same sense of joy and fulfillment as mothering little dependent people did. Some days I find myself wandering the house, wondering about the best way to spend my time. And then other days I am gone from home all day, volunteering at the school and running errands and going to the temple, and I come home the same time as the school kids, worn out and feeling behind at home. Too busy isn't good either, and I am trying to find a balance as I adjust to this bittersweet time of life. (also have a son on a mission and a daughter getting ready to submit her papers. Bittersweet, I say.)
ReplyDelete