Relearning

April 2014.

The month of the year where I can pinpoint the loss of my mojo and the beginning of overwhelming stress.

I never have enough minutes in a day, let alone hours.

My life is sorted into piles--of unfolded laundry, of articles to read, of dirty dishes, of mothering responsibilities, of unaccomplished tasks, piles of thoughts that never fully bloom.

I'm spread as thin as fine Swiss cheese--with the holes gaping ever wider. Sometimes I feel the crushing burden, while at other times I retreat to avoid facing reality.

School has kicked me hard this time, and I am looking forward to the completion of my last assignment later today.

Family responsibility has weighed heavily--I find myself making choices between each kids' activities and letting someone down with my decisions.

The joys of my life--loving my family and relishing each moment with them, thinking deeply and learning new things, serving others, and writing--are still there, waiting for me to embrace them again.

I hate to admit it, but my goal to refine myself and my relationship with God has fallen to the end of the priority list, buried somewhere in one of the detritus piles filling my mind. How could I let that happen?

To be completely honest, I half-hoped to avoid this post today, knowing that no one would notice or care that I had abandoned my goal for the year.  April 30th doesn't register as accountability day for anyone else.

Except for me.

That's when the truth hit me.

I've been stressed about others and their expectations and judgments, at the expense of what I need--time daily to fervently pray and study scripture, time to refresh my perspective, time to see the eternal in the mundane.

If I didn't account for my actions this past month, I would know. And that's what matters.

I know life has been off-kilter, and I know I need to change.

I know how to do it, and I know it will make a difference.

And now that I've acknowledged it, now I can . . .

Relearn.  And then, once again, refine.