My phone is broken. It stopped receiving or sending texts or email yesterday afternoon.
I have to wait until Thursday for a replacement.
Don't text me between now and then, k?
This post isn't really about the demise of my phone. Today is a reality check day.
I had been hoping to post this victorious diatribe about how I had finally conquered my sugar addiction--the wonderful plan that had helped me lose my final nine pounds--and keep them off--all through the holidays. That was mastery, folks!
This post will not be about that triumph of willpower.
Instead, January was a battleground month, one where I fought myself every day and my willpower dissolved into sugary slurpee remains. How could I resist all the temptation during the nine hardest weeks of the year, and now it has all disappeared? And now those nine pounds are back with a vengeance, holding on with every ounce of strength their celluloid walls can muster.
It's so unnerving how self-esteem can hinge around what entered your mouth or three little numbers and their placement on the bathroom scale. I've been avoiding posting about it, hoping that I could rekindle that determination and dedication, but I have yet to find the motivating factor.
Let me clarify: On no planet (except maybe a planet populated by nutrition-deprived swimsuit models--have you seen the new catalog from DownEast Basics?) would I be considered fat. We each have that place where we feel we should be--where we feel our best. I bet even Jillian Michaels can chart her BMI to a hundredth of a percent.
What this garble is trying to address is this: Why do we judge ourselves by what size pants we're wearing or what we ate (or didn't eat) during the day? Why is self-worth counted out in calories and fat grams? Why is our society so obsessed with looking perfect but eating garbage? Doesn't society know that's impossible?
I hate how much mental energy this expends daily. I hate how it makes me happy or grouchy.
I'm not posting this to dredge up obligatory compliments--on the contrary. What I am looking for is empathy--do you ever feel like this? Or do you have a solution on how to keep self-esteem constant? Or do you have a great way of battling the urge to indulge in all the crappy food available everywhere?
Thanks for listening.
Back to your regularly scheduled, rose-colored blogging tomorrow . . .
Oh, I SO hear you. I seem to have NO SELF CONTROL. Ever. EVER. But, with the start of Lent, I will once again attempt to get that sugar monkey off my back. We all just keep trying, then we fail, and we try again.
ReplyDeleteAnd again.
And again....
I'm with you (and Paige) on that one. We've been trying to bump that sugar monkey off for years. Getting better...then worse...then better again. Am I the only one who can hear every cell in my body breath a sigh of relief when I finally succumb to my addiction? Let me know if you ever figure anything out. Until then...lent starts in 2 weeks exactly! (Except for my birthday on the 24th...I get that day off).
ReplyDeleteAs you know I wage the sugar battle also. It has been an on and off success/failure over the past several months. I think what I've realized is that I just want to be my best. My weight seems to be a good indicator of how I am doing, in terms of being good to myself. It truly does feel so so good to be at that place where you are comfortable inside your skin. For each of us that place is different. But I completely understand your frustration. The only answer for me is to keep it (sugar) completely out of our house. The girls seem to accept this. They like their mom happy and healthy. But it is easier sometimes and difficult at others and I am not sure why.
ReplyDeleteDana
You inspire me. I hope you don't mind I linked your post to my blog post.
ReplyDeleteI hear you Jen. I was just crying to my husband last night saying I just want to be the best me...but I can't seem to succeed in my eyes. Last week I skipped out on my once a month girls night out b/c I was feeling so bad about myself b/c of the stupid scale. Pretty pathetic, huh? If I don't do some soon...I will need new (bigger) summer clothes. I have spent so much of my 30's and now 40's unhappy with my weight...not sure why I tell myself I can't conquer this. I wish I had some positive advice for you- sorry. When you find that magic solution...can you send me an email?! :)
ReplyDeleteTrust me Jen, you need to drop everything, and click over to Meg Deurksen's whatever http://megduerksen.typepad.com/whatever/
ReplyDeleteand watch the video clip she has posted. In light of your struggles I think you will really appreciate it. I know I did. Laughter is always the best medicine.
Dana
Oh my goodness - I feel like this ALL.THE.TIME! Even during this pregnancy! WHO CARES during pregnancy?! Ugh!
ReplyDeleteThe ONLY time I seemed to have the will power was right after my mom passed away. I almost think it was therapeutic for me. However, the only thing I focused on was HOW I was feeling. Somehow, exercise FELT good so I wanted to do it more. Eating healthy food FELT good, so I wanted to eat more healthy food. And during that time, my weight loss was minimal (I'm chalking it up to the fact that I was even lifting weights and gaining muscle..yeah, that's it!) I felt the best I've EVER felt and once I'm off this blasted BED REST, I can't wait to feel that again!
Good luck, my friend. It's a constant battle, unfortunately.
I think my problem is that I don't feel the need to lose weight enough. I actually DO have a weight problem, and I am probably a little too gentle with myself about addressing it.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I still feel bad about it when I am not taking care of myself. It's become more of a health issue for me at this point.
=)
No sadly, I have not figured out the resisting thing. It did help when I was tracking my food and had to log everything- sometimes knowing I would have to go through the trouble of entering it made it just easier to walk away.
ReplyDeleteYou and your phone... :) I did respond to you after work yesterday, but I'm assuming that was after it broke. Thanks though!
ReplyDeleteWell if you visit my blog regularly (and especially on World Nutella Day) you will know that I lost the battle with sugar long ago.
ReplyDeleteTo make peace with it I realized that since I cannot live without sugar (I HAVE ZERO WILLPOWER) then I would have to learn to love myself how I was.
Well easier said than done right. I am right there with you - looking at the junk in the trunk and...ahem...other areas and thinking I need to do this or I need to do that - Know it will never get done!
I really used to stress when I was meeting new people - How would they perceive me?
The closer I get to 50 the more at peace I become. 50 year olds are not supposed to look like swim suit models, are not supposed to wear the same clothes as 24 years olds, 50 year olds are Grandma's, many have grey hair.
Once I got that definition into my brain I looked in the mirror and said "Hey Baby - you are looking pretty fine"! Giggle
Ahhhh the stuff we women put ourselves through.
I am not 50 yet, and I am not all the way there. I have self doubts, shopping for new clothes is not as fun as it used to be.
It is just an ongoing thing I guess.
You seem to have great willpower (even if you did fall off a little bit). I know you'll do it!
Sorry about the book.
Always a struggle. I am the worst at comparing my current self with my former self. Uggghhh. Not so much other people...especially hard for small people like us because people assume we should be perfectly happy with our outward appearance. I am rambling...but i know you get it! You are not alone!
ReplyDeleteOh Jen - we ALL go through it. I think women are just wired that way. Do you know that I still have that box of See's in my drawer - I can't make myself throw it away. And yet I am strong enough to not open it and eat it. It's a strange dance I do. One thing that does help me is to keep very healthy things around like nuts, cottage cheese, blueberries and baby carrots and (for a special treat) those little Baby Bonbel cheeses. Then I feel like I'm being good to myself and having something healthy at the same time. The other thing I do is when LaMar has ice cream at night I don't totally deny myself. I have him bring me just enough for about 2 small bites. As long as I can have a taste I seem to be able to handle it. Hang in there! (And you DO look great!)
ReplyDeleteI totally understand and it's very frustrating to say the least. sigh.
ReplyDeleteOh, Jen, I get it. I'm struggling to wear what I'd like to wear for the wedding in May - with two size-two sisters and the mother of the groom another tiny size, I am obsessed with a number.
ReplyDeleteugh i hear ya...i mean i KNOW what i should and shouldn't be eating with this preg. esp to keep my weight gain down...and not like with reid....but there are days when i give in and the next day i feel like a failure...i had promised myself i could do this...its only 9m....why is food such a temptation? (sugar, pasta, etc)
ReplyDelete