Questions Answered--The Venting Post

Whew. It's Sunday night, and I already have my head full of posts for the week. Why are some weeks like that? And why are some weeks completely devoid of anything interesting at all? That's a question for all of you.

How do you encourage your kids to read the scriptures on their own? What are your best tips on getting your kids ready to leave the nest?

I'm curious to hear more Heidi news. What's up with the newlyweds?

Are you totally thrilled with Tucker leaving soon on his mission or do you also have underlying melancholy about it? I was so proud of my boys when they went but I was also deeply depressed when they first left - just curious whether anyone else feels the same way, but maybe you can't answer that one yet.

I read an article from the Wall Street Journal a few weeks ago that got my anger juices flowing. You can read it here.  The article summarizes the awkward social bracket encompassing twenty-something men--the changes in society and priorities that have made these men virtually unnecessary.

So many of these problems stem from today's "friend-based" parenting--parenting that's afraid to make the hard calls or to be the bad guy.  Parents can't allow their kids to fail on school projects or assignments for fear of wounding their self-esteem.  Parents can't pass judgment on friends or behaviors for fear of alienating or angering their kids.  Parents can't require hard work for fear of negatively stressing and pressuring these poor tender souls. Somehow, this parenting style has created a generation of women who are overachievers--both in the workplace and with their families, not needing men; and a generation of men that see themselves as merely an appendage to society--absorbed in video games and drunken extended adolescence.

Parents edit kids' COLLEGE papers.  Parents allow kids to move back home to save money for large homes and toys.  Parents micromanage their grown kids' decisions from where to work and where to live.  In short, parents are enabling this lazy, directionless generation.

Here is my parenting view, and it stems from my own experiences as a child and as a young adult.

I married young--two months shy of twenty.  From the second we were married, Brad and I were financially independent from our families.  NO MATTER WHAT.  We bought our first car.  We paid our own rent.  We found ways to finance two undergraduate degrees and three years of law school.  We had our first babies.  And we did it together.  We had little advice from others.  We had no assistance.  And guess what?  We made it.  And look at us now.  Yay for us. Isn't that how most of us did it, way back then?

When Heidi and Tucker each left for college, it was emotionally trying.  I felt like a piece of me was amputated.  But I purposely restrained myself from calling and texting and bugging and interfering.  Why?  Because I want them to grow up, move on, and live as adults.

We assist our kids a little financially with college, truthfully.  But we don't pay for everything.  So far, our system has worked pretty well.  Tucker calls and shares test results or hard assignments.  I offer a little advice and then tell him, "Good luck with that. Love you." I don't stress about his choices or his grades or call his professors (some parents DO that).  I don't offer to edit or read his papers.  I've been astounded to learn that some parents do that.  Really?  It's college, people.  In less than five weeks, he will be completely independent, serving his mission in New York City.  He'll be able to email once a week and call home twice a year.  I'm beginning to see a flash of how hard this will be for me.  Yet I couldn't be prouder--he's making the decisions of a man.

When Heidi got married, she and Sam WANTED to make it on their own.  They insisted that she and Sam start their own cell phone account.  They found a way to manage an apartment of single guys to lower their rent.  Sam works two jobs. Both are in school full-time at BYU-I, and their little baby girl is due in 20 days. They bought their own car, researching and making the best decision for their family.  Would I have bought their car? Would I have managed an apartment?  I don't know.  It's THEIR LIVES.  NOT MINE.  When she calls and asks for advice, I give it.  When she doesn't and she calls to talk, I just listen. I try to avoid, "You should . . . " and "Why aren't you . . . ?" They astound me, and make me so proud.  They are in the very small minority of kids today who are doing things the old-fashioned way--independently.  This way they develop their own family identity and their own preferences.  They also develop pride and achievement. Skills of adults.  Isn't that what we want?  Adults who happen to be our kids?

My kids were born pretty independent, and I fostered that as much as possible.  I assisted on projects when asked.  I did NOT orchestrate projects.  I did NOT plan projects.  And I most certainly did not complete projects "with their assistance."  Do you honestly believe that teachers can't tell the difference between a kid's state report and a parent's state report bearing a child's name?  What does this teach kids?  Mommy will always be there to not only bail them out, but to do the hard things.  I don't want to live my kids' lives.  I want to see how they will live them.

I require my kids to take music lessons.  And I required that they practice, not as much as my mom did, but they practice, and they practice on their own. I took piano lessons.  I don't need to sit at the piano every day any more.  What does music teach them?  Self-discipline and pride in achievement.

I require my kids to do chores--clean their rooms, wash the dishes, mop the floors, mow the lawns (even my girls mow lawns).  I also require them to do their own laundry when they turn eight--at eight they think it's a privilege.  Then they're stuck.  Teaching my kids to work is my least favorite aspect of parenting--it's so much easier to do it myself.  But I already know how to scrub a toilet and fold laundry and mow a lawn.  What does it teach them if they aren't required to help at home?  It teaches them that society owes them cooked food and clean clothes and transportation wherever they want to go--just because they're breathing.


I require my kids to attend Church every Sunday and attend all of our Church functions.  They know that religion is not only important in our family, it is the backbone of our family.  We read scriptures together, pray together, attend meetings and sit together.  They know there is no other option while they live under this roof.  I see them changing and growing, learning to be independent of me.--learning what they believe.

Don't get me wrong.  If they ever need a soft place to land, I'm here, willing to help however I can, but  I want them to have the tools they need to stand on their own, tall and proud.  And independent.
Guess I'm a little old-fashioned that way.

Brad and I have been watching this mother bird and her hatchling in our peach tree.  One day I peeked into the nest and found an interloper!  I told Brad that something had happened and a big ugly bird had taken up residence. It was the teenager bird--gawky, without all of its feathers yet. And almost as big as its mama.  It was strange to see.  And I thought, "It's time for you to learn to fly, little one."

I wonder if she will be sad to see her baby go or if she's already got plans on how to rearrange her nest.  Probably a little bit of both, because that's how it should be.