On Obedience (and Consequences)

image from here

Two things I hate teaching to my children:

How to work

Consequences for actions

The work thing?  The older my big kids get, the more I see this concept taking root.  Sometimes they won't do chores or do something when I ask them to, but usually, they do.

Consequences, on the other hand, I just can't seem to get through a few of their heads.

They need to learn Newton's Law of Motion when it comes to school work: "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

Most bright children are extremely eager to please their teachers, bending over backwards to pull exceptional grades. My bright children all rank in a small group of "my half-baked efforts are consistently above most people's best, so why should I work harder than that?" 

How do I instill in them that "Best" is better than "First"?

How do I show them that quality trumps quantity every time?

How do I help them realize their true potentials?

How do I get their best out of them, when their half-hearted attempts at schoolwork consistently bring home B or B+ work?  When I know there's no excuse for less than an A?

I hope you can understand this:  I have seven children, five of whom have completed some level of public schooling.  I expect out of each of them their individual best, not a preset bar over which they are required to jump.  I expect them to obey and follow through, that's all.  If their best effort is a C-, then fantastic (and that has happened around here).  We'll celebrate.  But if they are only turning in half of their assignments and still acing every test and pulling a C-, then we have to talk.

And that's where consequences come in.

And that's where I'm struggling.

I have instituted a policy with two of my children (who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty). That policy is this:  If their work is not their best work (in the case of one) or if they are missing assignments at the end of the week (in the case of the other), then they are grounded.  One child has had no interaction with friends for almost two weeks, while another missed activities over the long holiday weekend.

One child desperately tried to convince me that they had no idea what the assignments were, and that it couldn't possibly be their fault.  And I should show mercy rather than justice in this instance.  Just this once.

For the record, this policy has been in place since the beginning of January, and this was the first time it had been tested.  I was torn.  The gradebook showed four grades--two 0s and two 100s-averaging out (using the teacher's points) as a 70.2%.

When will kids learn that positive rewards are all a parent wants?  When will they learn that punishment and following through with it are the hardest things we parents are asked to do?  When will they learn that we WANT them to have fun, hang with their friends, and have a life?  When will they learn that if you obey the rules, you reap the rewards?

I stuck to my guns.  Said Child was angry with me for a few hours.  Skipped dinner (that showed me, didn't it?).  Ignored me.  If Child hadn't been mad, then it was the incorrect punishment, right?

I hate it when I have to punish them.

I hope Child has learned their lesson for this week.

Other Child is still struggling, and tries to convince me every day that "the teacher didn't . . . "  "it's not my fault. . . ."  And I've had to stiffen the consequences.  Now, extra homework (penmanship) after school, plus no friends.  Plus, the teacher is isolating Child (at my request, hoping eliminating distraction may help?).

HELP!  What would you do? Am I being too strict?


Linking up my O for obedience with Jenny Matlock