Adjustment, Adaptation, and a Brief Service Announcement

Just a little update on the drama that is the Sanatorium.
Angelo is completing his fourth of four all-day visits with his grandma today.
Tomorrow he has a two-hour visit with Mom.
Monday morning, 6 am, CPS will be here to take him to Jeddito, AZ. For good.
It's gut-wrenching to watch the three little boys separate every morning--all three happy and hugging, no one understanding the ramifications involved here.

And how have we all been doing with this grand adventure?
I don't remember if I've mentioned this before, but Angelo has an attachment disorder (informally diagnosed, mind you)--he will latch onto anyone who gives him more than 30 seconds of attention. He's not afraid of anyone, and he has no deep loyalties. As I pondered this, I realized that this might be a gift for him in his current situation. And it has been. He's bonding to his grandma. This hurts a little, but I know it's for the best. (It did do my soul some good when he bonked his head on his bed yesterday, and all he wanted was "Mama" to make him feel better.) I don't know what that will mean for him, exactly, when he's on the reservation, but hopefully it won't endanger him.
Alas, even my carefully laid plans for his grandma to follow were discarded within moments of crossing her threshold. He's had no nap for three days, and he comes home disoriented and unhappy. But he does work back into things within a half-hour or so. It's hard to watch him struggle between these two worlds. But it won't last much longer.

All the kids seem to be adapting to his absence in their own ways: Tucker, Ben, Lily, and Micah are fine--happy when he comes home, but otherwise fairly unaffected. It's Hyrum I'm worried about. Not only has he lost his "twin," but he's lost all the other kids to all-day school as well. He successfully weaned off the pacifier over the last few days, without even asking at all. But he doesn't know what do to with himself, alone all day every day. He's become clingy, whiny, and dependent on Mom, whereas before he was independent, happy, and mostly wild. We've done lots of stuff together the past three days--coloring, shopping, reading, playing, snuggling. But I wonder if all this attention is going to make him even harder when Baby Sister enters the picture. We'll see.

The most surprising adjustment through all of this has been within me. I no longer see him as my child. I feel like a long-term babysitter, where I NEVER felt that way before. I'm concerned about him, sure, but it's the concern of a good friend or neighbor. At first, this development disturbed me. Why was I acting and feeling like this? However, I've come to understand that it's a gift of the Spirit, helping me let go without the pain and worry engulfing me. And I'm grateful.

I think that when he leaves for good on Monday we will all feel a little differently. I can't anticipate reality. But I must acknowledge God's hand in helping our family let go, a little at a time, since there is no alternative.

We'll see what Monday brings.

Epiphany #86--God's hand works unexpectedly and powerfully to ease difficulty in our lives. He doesn't erase trial or eliminate pain, He just makes it possible to continue on.

. . . And the announcement (completely unrelated and light-hearted, unlike the rest of this post): Only seven days left until my big 40th birthday. Seven days to contemplate how wonderful I am and how best to surprise me!