Prepared to Fly

I'm glad to see that others on my blog list have dropped off markedly during the month of July. It has truly been crazy around here and everywhere else we've been. Paige's bruises, Allyson's upcoming move, Karen's unsuccessful attempts to buy a house, Jere's scripture challenge, Sue's beach adventures, and Natalie's completed move--I followed them all in spirit, just not with comments.
Now I'm back for good.
And it's taking some getting used to.

I left part of my heart in Rexburg on Saturday. Even now the tears come unbidden. The hurt resurfaces. How I wish I was eloquent and could completely express how bittersweet it is to lose your first child to "the world." If you can categorize the LDS bubble that is Rexburg as "the world," that is.
Watching Heidi's excitement and joy was the only thing that kept me in check, prevented me from snagging her back, returning her here, where she belongs. She was excited and nervous but completely ready to tackle this new chapter in her life. And I, the lone witness, desperately wanted to turn the pages back, just a few, so that she wouldn't leave. Couldn't leave. Didn't want to leave.
Her room is stripped of everything Heidi--no pictures, no quotes, no cell phone, no open scriptures and journal on her bed. And every time I pass, the void in my heart reacts and churns and breaks.
Did I do everything I could have? No. Everything she needed? No. Everything she deserved? Never.

How selfish I feel.
I was here every day of her life--from her emergency birth, through the NICU and kindergarten and gymnastics and cello lessons and Young Women's and dances--and yet, somehow, I feel like I missed it all. Missed the opportunity to enjoy my life with her as a daily part of it. How can that be? How could I have missed it? Now my concerns are split in two--between Mesa and Idaho. And I'll never have all my chicks under my wing ever again.

How lucky I am.
I've said many times that if a family is lucky enough to get a Heidi, they only get one. She is truly one of a kind--as compassionate and kind as she appears. Beautiful and hardworking. Loving and giving. But most of all, Heidi has a true appreciation and understanding of her role as a daughter of God. And whatever I did premortally to earn the right to have her in my family, it was well worth it.

How exhilarating it will be.
College was truly one of the greatest times in my life. I loved flying free: making my own decisions and mistakes. Becoming me. And I look forward with anticipation and excitement to every phone call, every text, every email--with her allowing me this vicarious experience. In just three days, she's already made new friends, dated RMs (NOT ready for that), attended classes and looked for a job. All without me there.

I guess that means I did something right.

That doesn't make it any easier. It will never be the same here again. And I mourn that loss.
Epiphany #82--I hate change.