Halfway and Fully Invested

Today is a big day--the halfway point.
140 days down.
140 days to go.
When you lose a child to miscarriage or stillbirth, you never feel like you've reached a safe place, a place where "now I know everything will be fine."
Heidi was born at 31 weeks, and when I reached 32 with Tucker, I remember thinking, "now it will be fine."
Never again will I feel that way.
That's the reason I haven't divulged genders in the past. It would make me feel too attached, too real.
That's why I've never bought things beforehand or even washed tshirts and pjs until about a week before.
That's why we never have names picked out until the child is born.
But this time, I've felt differently about it. I've wanted that attachment, that reality. Will that make it harder if something goes horribly wrong? I can't know.
But this I do know--
We've been talking names. Of course, no one can agree.
There's a brand-new white dress and pink blanket and white sleeper, waiting in a basket until November. Come rain or shine.
And buying these new beautiful things for this new baby brought me out of ma-laze and into ma-worry and ma-happy.
It's a good place to be.