My Secret Life

Tucker texted me a quote Friday that he thought was quite funny:

"Blogging--never have so many said so much to so few."

I laughed, and then I thought about it.

This is part of the allure of blogging for me. I write my blog when I'm alone, usually early in the morning. I say things that I occasionally wouldn't say to others aloud. It is the secretive nature of blogging that appeals. That I get my opinions and views and life out there, but that, somehow, nobody really knows me. I crave the comments after every post, but that isn't the complete motivation. I'm coming to know myself better. Better than I wish I did, sometimes.

So here's a secret.

I'm a sugar addict.

I was blessed with a lightning-speed metabolism for most of my life, so there was really no physical evidence. I could eat (and did) whole boxes of Ho-ho's, dozens of cookies, and multiple candy bars at one sitting and never have the sugar affect me or sicken me. Sounds lucky. Not really. Along with that lightning-speed metabolism is a lightning-speed personality. I do everything fast--drive, talk, think. And I can outthink even myself when it comes to eating. And I would always do that sugar bingeing in private, where no one could know of my lack of self-control. Hide empty boxes in the trash. Secretly purchase replacement sugar supplies so my family would remain in the dark. Skip meals for an entire day to mentally erase the calories.

And I'm weak. So here's another secret.

I've completely fallen off the wagon.

I had a few slip-ups in February on my goal of no sugar, falls that I valiantly tried to disclose to the cyberworld, assuaging my conscience and lifting me back up onto the wagon. But vacation in Idaho threw me back far. It began innocently enough--on the ride through Yellowstone, there really was no healthy alternative to eat. So I thought it would be ok. But the secret me came out, and I indulged in candy bars and hot chocolate, lurking behind the others so no one would notice, not even Brad. Then, there was the chocolate cake incident. Enough said. And ever since, it's been impossible for me to regain the motivation and the control and the mindset.

Another secret.

I had lost 22 pounds since last July, and almost all of that can be attributed to my abstinence from sugar. It began as a surprise for Brad when he was in Africa, and the euphoric feeling of triumphing over the natural man lingered for months.

And in the last two weeks? Hmmm. I've gained back 4.5 of those pounds. In two weeks. And it feels awful. Where did my lightning-fast metabolism go? And the self-control I've been exercising for the past seven months? Somewhere along the road it deserted me.

The other New Year's Resolutions that I set have actually stayed with me fairly well. I'm progressing and changing.

But this. This is my Goliath. He's back.

President Hinckley:
"When temptation comes your way, name that boastful, deceitful giant 'Goliath!' and do with it as David did to the Philistine of Gath. I humbly pray that God will bless each of you."

Epiphany #50--The natural man is an enemy to resolution and waistline.

I'm back up on the driver's seat, and the stagecoach is leaving Goliath at the station.
Again.