Temporary Post--Conflicted

This was quite a weekend at the Sanatorium, one that I really don't know how to explain.

Got a call about 11:30 Saturday morning. Four-day-old Baby N was being released from the hospital. Could we take him?
Here is where the conflict begins.
My family specialist was supposed to increase our foster beds from two to three, but I hadn't heard from her. So I didn't know what to say. But how can you say no to a four-day-old baby?

I explained the situation, and the worker said that she would be unable to place him with us.
Conflicted.
Baby JC had been turning increasingly violent and aggressive, and he can't understand anything we say. He'd left scratch marks on Hyrum's face and arm, and he would hit you just as soon as look at you.
So, I told the worker that I had been contemplating calling on Monday to have Baby JC removed from the home, but if they were already on the phone, we might as well do it now.
Literally 10 phone calls later, Heidi and I were on our way to North Phoenix to pick up Baby N, with CPS on their way for Baby JC. It was kind of an unconventional situation, but I thought it would all turn out ok.
Around 2, we got home with Baby N, who was born at 34 weeks and weighed 5 lb. 9oz. He was so tiny! Brad says he may have been the ugliest baby he's ever seen, but I didn't think so. The touchy issue was having Baby JC and Baby N in the house at the same time, technically violating our agreement with CPS.
Little did I know what a commotion this would cause.
Two hours later I called CPS, wondering when they would be picking up Baby JC. Then the fur started to fly. They realized their error in actually placing two kids in "one bed," and the CPS manager called me in a rage.
What was I thinking, taking two kids? CPS isn't in the market of just switching out one-year-olds for newborns, she shrieked. I tried to explain to her the situation with Baby JC being too aggressive to stay in the home and that I thought my family specialist had increased my beds, but she wouldn't listen. The choice words that I have for CPS and its level of competence need to remain private. Thirty minutes later, my worker called me back and said that CPS wouldn't listen to any rational thinking, and they would be out to take BOTH boys back into CPS custody.
Never a call from CPS. They just showed up at the door, two hours later, and whisked Baby JC and Baby N away.

In retrospect, I feel awful. I don't know what I should have done differently, but I screwed up.
I feel like I threw Baby JC under the bus, and he really didn't know any better. And Baby N. Wow. He was probably on the fast track to severance and adoption. And he could have been ours.
And I would have been eternally devastated if in my excitement to get a new baby had I jeopardized Baby A. What if they'd taken him too? Have I been blacklisted forever by CPS?
Regret. Guilt. Sorrow. Anger. Will we ever have the kids in our home that I know are supposed to be here forever? When? Sometimes relying on the Lord's timetable is excruciating. Not just sometimes. Almost always. Especially for an impatient sort like me.
On the very small plus side, I guess I got a full night's sleep on Saturday.
Epiphany #35--Don't mess with CPS. No matter how gallant your intentions.